The death of Princess Diana was a major event in my childhood. I remember listening to the radio as I was getting ready for church, and I heard the tragic news of her car accident. My mom let us skip church that morning (one of the only times in my entire life) because she was in shock and couldn't turn off the news. Needless to say, I have grown up with a passive interest in the lives of Prince William and Prince Harry.
Typically, I don't tend to read current events or news related to celebrities, so the night of the Harry and Meghan interview I didn't turn it on. After reading several of my friend's commentary on Facebook, I was curious to hear about Meghan's experience with her mental health. In the same breath, I was scared to watch and learn her story, so I made sure to do so with my husband by my side.
When Meghan shared with the world that she believed "life would be easier for other if she wasn't here," I knew I made the right choice to watch this with my husband. I had an instant lump in my throat and tears silently ran down my cheeks. One short year ago, I said those same words to my husband. Looking back I can't imagine how scared and helpless he must have felt. Meghan went on to describe going to a Royal event the same evening that she admitted to Harry that she didn't want to live anymore because she was afraid to be alone. Fall of 2019/Winter 2020 was my Royal event. There were nights I cried alone, and asked my husband to cancel social gatherings because I just wasn't feeling well (aka...I didn't feel like living, so I didn't want to be around other people who enjoyed living). I pleaded with him to stay home with me because I didn't want to be alone.
Meghan went on to describe looking at a picture from that same evening. She zoomed in at Harry's white knuckles around her hand. He was squeezing her hand so tight because he was so scared for her well-being. All of this was happening with smiles on their faces. This moment resonates with me as I think back to my own husband's white knuckles of protection. I was in therapy. I was trying to get help, but it wasn't working. We both put on brave faces and white knuckles for the public, but in private all I could do was cry while he held me.
During this time, I just wanted to be "normal". Since this time, I have learned that I am exactly who I am supposed to be. I am beyond thankful for my husband's white knuckles and patience as he encouraged me to take time to fall in love with myself all over again.
Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing this part of your life story. I'm thankful for your honesty, your vulnerability, and your willingness to share. Your husband is awesome, and what a gift to have his protection. YOU, however, are awesome. What strength it took for you to tell your husband and make your feelings known; to seek therapy and help. Hugs to you <3
ReplyDeleteOnce in a while I wish there was a way to put an “alert” on a post to tell people it was important and they should read it. Your post makes me feel that way. It takes this kind of honesty to help others know they should get help and they can get through and find the other side of their suffering. So thank you for this.
ReplyDeleteAnd I always want to comment to the writer, not just the person- this piece is very nicely crafted. Starting with a childhood memory to your own adulthood, Meghan’s husband’s support and yours. The transfer of the image of the white knuckled handshake is powerful.
Stephanie, it takes so much courage to write about our most painful experiences. Thank you for your honesty and your strength.
ReplyDeleteStephanie, that was so powerful. I was mesmerized from the beginning to the end. The way you wrote it, I felt like I was there with you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for trusting us with this part of your story. I can't imagine what you and your husband went through. I do know that as Meghan shared that part of her story, my heart both broke for them and was thankful that it was being spoken about publically. I hope the conversations continue and that human experiences are valued. Thank God for those that hold on, like your husband - and Harry - and all the everyone else who have been a safe place. Glad you're here.
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